


home is where the heart is

by Anonymous



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Anxiety Attacks, Childhood Trauma, Crying, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Unreliable Narrator, only bcs of his headspace, this is Not age play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25062547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: when the thoughts become too much, sangyeon is always there for him.
Relationships: Lee Sangyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Comments: 5
Kudos: 97
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is personal to me. heavy topic of a bad relationship with a parent (mother in specific), doesn't say exactly why but it's implied abuse. mentions of anxiety and bad headspaces/pseudo-breakdowns. lots of crying. also, use of pacifiers and childlike language/mindset in the fic. i'm not sure if anything else needs to be warned against but if this kind of fic isn't for you just leave.
> 
> also, obviously, eric's real mom isn't like this. i probably shouldn't even have to say that but just in case, i am.

today is more difficult than usual.

it hits eric slowly, so slow at first that he doesn't even realize it's happening until he can't focus on his schoolwork anymore, mind drifting away from him uncontrollably and fuzzy. it doesn't fully hit him until he forces himself to crawl into bed, needing to lay down from the sheer weight of it. he needs to feel something other than numbness and confusion, so he settles for the warmth of a blanket, since there's nothing else around for him to rely on right now.

eric isn't sure how long it's been when sangyeon finally gets home. it's like time is sucked out of the room, leaving nothing else behind. eric isn't even sure what he's been doing, other than laying still and being unable to think even if he wanted to. it isn't a pleasant feeling, like he wishes it could be.

at the sound of the front door opening and closing, eric's heart kicks up absently in his chest. he doesn't even feel it, really, it's just a natural response when he's like this. he's not really sure why.

sangyeon calls out for him, when he sees that he's not in the living room, and that all of his things have been left out like he was in the middle of something. when he gets no response, he heads to the bedroom right away. eric can hear him walking, knows the pattern. what's coming should be good, should be a relief, but somehow he's still so scared of being seen like this.

"eric?" sangyeon cracks the bedroom door open slowly. light comes in from the rest of the apartment, and only then does eric distantly notice that the sun has set. right, if sangyeon's home from work already, that would make sense. the thoughts are far away but he still processes them, still knows this.

eric doesn't look at sangyeon or respond, just curls himself into a tighter ball and turns his head into the pillow so he can't see him. if he sees him, he'll—he doesn't know what he'll do.

sangyeon walks around to the other side of the bed and gently climbs onto it. he doesn't lay down, just sits next to eric in the dark. it feels nice to have him there. it's been so long that by now, he always does this, always knows the right thing, but it doesn't matter. every time, it means so much. relief pours through him, and he sobs out loud before even realizing what it is he's doing.

"can i hold you?" sangyeon's voice sounds pained over the sobs wracking through eric's chest. it's not surprising, the force of them, because it's been built up all day, just waiting to burst.

eric responds by turning around to face him and pressing in closely. now, he wants to be closer, wants to be acknowledged and held. sangyeon would never do it without permission; he just waits for eric to give the word, or, on a particularly bad day like today, he might ask.

sangyeon maneuvers himself to lay down next to eric, and wraps an arm around his back, pulling him in close to his chest. eric presses his face into sangyeon's shirt and cries harder, breathing in the leftover cologne from his workday. it's soothing, somehow.

they lay there like that for another while, and eric isn't sure, again, how much time has passed. it doesn't matter, anyway. eventually, he stops crying, stops hyperventilating, and just breathes. crying helped but it didn't change anything, and with sangyeon present, it's almost worse, now. nothing matters except for sangyeon.

sangyeon gently pulls away from where they've been wrapped up tightly in each other, and wipes the remnant tear tracks from eric's cheeks with his thumbs. eric looks at him, and wonders if he can tell from just his face, or if he can sense it otherwise, somehow.

"can you tell daddy what happened, sweetheart?" sangyeon's words, and tone, creep into eric's mind and settle over it like a salve, and he sighs. it's hard to talk about important things like this but he knows that daddy only wants to help, so he does his best to answer.

"mommy texted me today," eric starts, tongue feeling thick but managing to produce the words anyway. daddy always understands him, so it doesn’t matter that much, but he wants to try. "she wants to see me." eric focuses on the feeling of sangyeon's fingers combing through his hair, back and forth, setting a rhythm that comforts him.

"did mommy say anything else?"

"i dunno," eric buries his face back in sangyeon's chest and sniffles. he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore. didn't he say enough?

"that's okay, baby. you did a good job, thank you for telling me." sangyeon presses a quick kiss to his forehead. eric is too tired to smile, but it's really nice. eric always feels butterflies when daddy gives him kisses.

eric would honestly be satisfied with laying here like this all night, and falling asleep like this too. it's a far cry from how he felt earlier—so numb and empty, like he could still think but wasn't being allowed to, like there was a heavy blanket over his senses muffling his mind until he finally gave in and let it. when he gets like that, it's nearly impossible to pull himself out, or make it healthy by himself. he needs someone else to hold his hand, comfort him, help him until he feels like himself again.

"have you eaten today?" sangyeon says after a little while. it wakes eric up all the way, tugs him out of where he's been dozing on and off.

"oatmeal," eric mumbles after a minute. sangyeon made him oatmeal this morning and they ate it together. there wasn't anything else, he thinks, but he can't really remember. he would rather just sleep than try to think.

"you need to have dinner, okay? i'll make you macaroni." sangyeon says it with a certain authority that eric loves, and needs, and he accepts it without question. sangyeon is right, after all, because as soon as he says it eric's stomach starts rumbling, and he feels dizzyingly hungry. however, a moment later, eric realizes that for sangyeon to cook, he has to get up and stop holding eric, and a rush of panic hits him.

"no! don't go, daddy, wan' you," eric wraps his arms around sangyeon tight, probably too tight, but he has no concept of self-restraint right now. his daddy is gonna get up before he's ready for him to and he has to stop him with all of his might.

"i know you're hungry, baby, i can hear your tummy from here," sangyeon says with a soft laugh, and eric blushes, the tips of his ears turning pink against his will. "do you want your paci and a plushy until dinnertime?"

the offer is enticing. eric is very hungry, and he's finding it a little hard to think anyway. he wants to keep hugging sangyeon but...

"okay," eric says, reluctantly letting go of the tight hold he has on sangyeon. already, he's pouting. sangyeon gets up, heading over to their closet. inside, all the way in the back, is a big box where they store all of eric's little things. other things, like plushies, are less conspicuous and they keep them out, but some things are just too revealing.

"which color?" sangyeon says, rummaging through the box.

"pink!" eric says enthusiastically, already excited. it's his favorite color, and his favorite paci. it's been a while since he's had an episode, so there hasn't been an opportunity.

"and which plushy?" sangyeon puts the box away and stands up, holding the case for eric's pink paci, a smile on his face.

"bunny!" eric kicks his feet under the covers where he lays, excitement too much to be contained in his body. bunny is his favorite. she's really big, and her fur is so soft. when he holds her, he likes to just pet her, because it feels nice. it's not as good as hugging sangyeon, but it'll do.

sangyeon locates bunny on the floor by the bed. she must've fallen earlier. he tells eric to sit up straight, and eric does. carefully, sangyeon takes the pacifier out of its case. it's baby pink, and eric loves it. when he's big, he tries not to think about it, or else shame will drown him, but right now it just makes him happy.

sangyeon holds it out, putting it into eric's mouth for him. immediately, he feels calmer, because he doesn't have to talk anymore. sangyeon cups eric's face in his hands tenderly, and leans in to give him another kiss on the forehead. in that moment, eric loves sangyeon so much it hurts.

eric holds bunny to his chest tightly. she fills up his whole lap, head coming to rest right under his chin, so he balances his head on top of hers. her soft ears tickle his face. sangyeon gently taps his shoulder, and motions for him to follow him into the living room.

eric sits on the couch, still hugging bunny, and sangyeon flips on some cartoons before heading into the kitchen to make dinner. macaroni is little eric's favorite. it's stereotypical but he doesn't care, because it's comforting and delicious, and sangyeon can make it quickly. they keep boxed macaroni around just for that purpose. anything sangyeon makes for him is delicious, of course, but it's different when it's his favorite, and when sangyeon makes his favorite foods on purpose because he isn't feeling well.

for a little while, eric lets himself zone out again, but this time in a good way. his eyes focus on the colorful flashing images on tv, and his hands focus on the softness of bunny in his arms, and his ears focus on the subtle sounds of sangyeon busying himself in the kitchen. it's nice, it's safe, it's home.

by the time dinner is ready, eric feels once again like no time at all has passed. he's excited, though, and rips the pacifier out of his mouth indelicately, throwing it somewhere on the couch as he races to the dining room. bunny, however, he sets down gently, to let her watch cartoons in his stead.

dinner is delicious, of course, and eric tears through it like he hasn't eaten in years. sangyeon eats more slowly, and in his peripheral vision, eric notices him stopping every couple of bites to watch him fondly. it feels nice, again, to be watched over.

after dinner, they watch a movie together. eric's head feels a little clearer after eating. bunny sits next to them on the couch, and eric holds sangyeon's hand. the movie is one of his favorites, but it's also sad in a way that he finds difficult to explain. its bittersweetness always makes him choke up, but today it drives him to tears again. his hand tightens in sangyeon's as he quietly sobs. sangyeon doesn't say anything, just pulls him closer and holds him tight.

when the movie is over, eric is feeling sufficiently wrung-out. his mind is less fuzzy, but not without consequence, as he feels so suddenly exhausted he wants to fall asleep on the spot. the day went by without him taking notice of it, and he couldn't remember if he had slept earlier, or if he had just lied there empty-headed.

"how are you feeling, baby?" sangyeon turns to look at him, and can see his drooping eyelids, but asks nonetheless.

"a lot better, um, and—and bigger." eric still finds it hard to say, to admit to what's happened to him. but sangyeon, as always, pays it no mind and just smiles, relieved that he's okay.

"can we talk about what happened a little more now? or do you want to wait until tomorrow?" his voice is kind and soothing, completely devoid of expectations. eric knows he needs to talk about it eventually, so that sangyeon can take care of him and comfort him better, but he's always so gentle about it, giving him as much space as he needs to process the tumultuous emotions associated first. it's heart-achingly sweet.

"we can talk now," eric says, uncertain of where to even begin. his memory of it is fuzzy, along with the rest of the day, so he asks sangyeon to bring him his phone, and he does.

rereading the text is hard. eric's mother doesn't talk to him very often, normally. she probably feels too much resentment towards him, or shame, maybe, and so she doesn't bother. it's an unspoken agreement between them, not to text unless it's some kind of massive emergency. even in that kind of situation, eric knows who he would call first, and it wouldn't be her.

the gist of the message is that she wants to see him. eric isn't sure why. it's a long-winded paragraph, taking up the whole of his phone screen, and it seems to just twist and turn and say nothing in particular, but all of it is emotional in tone. she seems distraught, and upset. a part of him worries, and says that he should go because what if something's wrong? what if she needs him? but as soon as the thoughts come to mind, he feels a sharp pang in his chest, melting into simmering anxiety that makes him feel sick from the inside out. when he feels more in the present about it, his mind battles itself, immediately arguing and insisting that he doesn't owe her anything, not anymore. it doesn't matter what happens, because he doesn't owe her anything. and yet, a part of him still resists, still protests that it would be cruel of him.

in the end, he doesn't know how to feel. earlier today, the shock of it had been too much, the emotions too much to process, and it sent him into that inescapable headspace, shutting him down completely and pulling his head apart until sangyeon gently put him back together again.

wordlessly, he shows sangyeon the message, and after a moment he lets out a deep sigh.

"you don't have to see her, eric." sangyeon hands the phone back to him, resolutely, reminding him of what he already knows to be true. still, it's hard to accept.

"i know." eric says it so quietly, barely able to speak the words at all, that he's not even sure if sangyeon hears him at first.

"ultimately, you can do what you want, and i'll support whatever you want to do, but i really don't think you should see her unless she explicitly states that she wants to make amends. otherwise, what do you owe her? more of your pain?"

eric wants to cry again but his tears are dried up, so he just forces his breaths past the lump in his throat instead. sangyeon is absolutely, indisputably right.

"thank you," eric says, reaching out to grab hold of sangyeon's hand again.

"i know that it hurts, and i wish it didn't. but i want you to know that you can choose your own family. it doesn't have to be her. i—i'm your family, if you want me to be."

it affects him more than it should, to hear words like that, but it does. it fills him up, until he struggles to breathe. sangyeon  _ is _ his family. why he didn't think of it that way before, he doesn't know, but to hear sangyeon say it means more than he can explain in words.

so, he climbs into sangyeon's lap instead, wraps his arms around his shoulders, and leans his head against his chest.

"i love you," he says quietly, shakily.

"i love you, too."

sangyeon doesn't need to say anything else for eric to know that he's home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm in this. but it's not very graphic at all. if you want to skip it it starts at "sangyeon found eric..." and only lasts for a few paragraphs. they discuss it later too but not in detail at all.

sometimes eric wonders if there’s an alternate universe in which his mother loves him.

even the thought feels foolish, but it rings true regardless of how stark it is, how strangely cold and lonely it feels. eric pities himself for it, that he would think it so naturally, and genuinely wonder what it would be like.

if they had been happy.

if he wasn’t such a disappointment, or something like that.

eric still isn’t really sure why she doesn’t love him, but his brain likes to tell him all the reasons it could be whenever it wants, and without discretion. at random, he thinks of her, and spirals downward until he can’t find his way out. it’s because he wasn’t good enough. because he wasn’t smart enough. he’s a disappointment. because he’s gay, because he’s. because.

it’s always something.

over and over again, and sometimes eric wishes he could just forget her completely, and live like she had never existed to him at all. she tried to do it to him, and failed, crawling back and asking for forgiveness in some vague way until deciding to give it up again and leave him alone. eric doesn’t know what she wants from him, when she does that. maybe she feels like he does, wishing she could go back and do it again and love him properly this time. maybe she regrets it.

until recently, she’d tried. now, she doesn’t try at all anymore.

eric hates missing her, because it feels like missing something he never had in the first place, but he _did_ have it at one time, when he was little.

what he misses most of all is their adventures together. even having a picnic in the backyard felt so exciting, then, when the world seemed so large beyond the two of them, and their garden. it felt like stepping into another realm, maybe even a dangerous one, but she was there, and he was safe, and they had fun together. and she loved him.

eric misses collecting flowers to press into their book, their little journal together. he misses finding roly polys under rocks and bothering them until she scolded him. he misses breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the patio, listening to the fountain and the windchimes in spring. he misses.

somewhere along the line, it went wrong. they both grew up, he thinks. eric grew angry and she grew cold. they were a bad mix, always fighting, throwing things, threatening and angry and hoarse and raw and mean. and there was nowhere to go. he had no one but her, and she took that away from him and left him lonely and trapped. she was in her own personal hell, and she wouldn’t let him out, keeping him there and dragging him down with her.

every little thing eric did after that was a slight somehow to her existence. an attack, a rebellion, he was fighting back and wronging her and being a _delinquent_ somehow. and of course, everyone believed her. eric wasn’t without his emotional outbursts, but he was a child, a _hurt_ child, and nothing he did meant that he deserved anything she had done to him.

eric knows it’s true, but _god_ does it hurt to accept. 

sometimes accepting that you are a victim is harder to process than the reality that there is no love left for you, and you have to keep existing despite that. you can’t take the pain away because you aren’t strong enough, and there isn’t enough _fight_ to fight how strong your body is. it wants you to keep living no matter how miserable your mind is, so you stay.

being lonely makes it harder to love yourself, and to love others openly, and without fear. it’s a lesson eric learns time and time again after being free of her. he’s unused to having someone close to him, and when someone finally wants to be, it’s terrifying and liberating at the same time. it feels brand new, it feels hopeful, and it feels like a warning. it feels like sirens blaring, telling him to _run_ before it goes south and he gets hurt again, and he loses that warmth and safety again. at all times, his brain reminds him that he could lose everything at any moment, and be alone all over again, so he clings and clings and people _do_ leave him again, because he’s too much for them to bear. there’s too much pain inside of him to allow him to exist normally, and the ways he interacts with the world are abnormal, and unacceptable to most.

with sangyeon, everything feels like a dream.

how is it possible that eric’s bared himself so much, so truly, and yet sangyeon hasn’t left? hasn’t even blinked, just wants to love him honestly. it never feels real, yet sometimes it feels so real that it swallows him up and eats him whole and he feels like someone else. he doesn’t feel like the person he was before he met sangyeon, he feels _new_. and it’s a scary feeling, but a welcome one, because he doesn’t like his past self. he wants to be brand-new, wants to heal.

with sangyeon, he can heal.

despite that, it’s a process to peel himself open and let himself be seen at his most vulnerable. at first, he didn’t want it to happen. he wanted to hide himself, and stay that way until sangyeon got bored and he moved on to someone new, but as time passed, sangyeon stayed. despite how locked up tight eric was, completely rigid and almost cold, sangyeon stayed. and over time, the walls came down.

the day that sangyeon found out, of course, was a complete accident. eric had wanted to tell him eventually, somehow, maybe after years went by and he knew he could truly trust him. it ended up being less than a year, because when it comes he can’t run from it, nor can he hide it.

it was impure that day, as it always is, but it was worse this time because he was somehow aware and unaware of himself at the same time. painful, hurting, _sobbing_ , and knowing what was wrong with him yet he couldn’t _think_ , couldn’t process, he just knew he needed _out_ because the sun was setting which meant sangyeon would be home, which meant he would _see_ , and he _couldn’t_ see, because this isn’t meant to be seen by _anyone_ , it’s meant to be his little bubble of pain and numbness, just for his own eyes. it wasn’t meant to be seen, and yet it was.

sangyeon found eric in the bathroom, rocking back and forth and mindlessly dragging his nails up and down his arms until there were welts left behind. it was unfortunately something he did often, to help push himself back into clarity. the brightness of the pain helped shock him out of it, slowly but surely, like gradually easing himself into painfully icy water. it wasn’t healthy, but it was something.

eric doesn’t remember much about what happened when sangyeon found him. despite wanting and trying to get out of it, it wasn’t working, and he was painfully out of his mind, floating off somewhere in the dark recesses of his own trauma, instead of being present in the room. he remembers crying, and sangyeon holding him, strong and warm and _there_ , fingers in his hair, calming him, and his deep voice lulling him into sleep.

the next day, he woke up late, and they didn’t have time to talk about it. sangyeon was about to head off for work, but before he did, he gently held eric’s arm, still marred with welts, and kissed it. the gesture was one of the most tender things eric had ever felt, and it melted him and broke him into pieces. his chest heaved with how much he felt, but before he could say anything, sangyeon was out the door.

all day, his mind was elsewhere. eric had things to do but he couldn’t focus on any of them, restless and pacing and stressed. over and over again, he repeated the prepared speech for sangyeon, to finally, _finally_ tell him, but he didn’t know if it was enough, or if it was _too_ much. sangyeon’s tenderness had felt like promised acceptance, despite his lack of understanding, and for once in his life, eric had hope. he had so much hope that it filled him to the brim and spilled out like sunshine, and it _ached_. he wanted to keep it inside, wrangle it successfully and shove it back down, because hope was a silly thing to have, but he had it anyway, and it shone brightly inside of him, like nothing ever did, and it was _his_.

by the time sangyeon came home, the sun had set, and eric was in the dark, alone, at the dining table, waiting. hours ago, he wanted to turn on the light, but something inside him kept him rooted to the chair, painfully anxious. he knew what to say, and yet, he didn’t know how.

sangyeon’s entrance was wordless, like he understood right away. he turned on the lights, and went into the kitchen, and from his chair, eric could hear him making tea. it was a calming sound. they always had tea when they talked about something difficult, and because of eric, they always had a box around because of how frequently their discussions became too heavy to bear without the weight of a warm cup in his hands.

a few minutes later, and sangyeon returned, handing over a mug of earl grey. it wasn’t eric’s favorite, but it would do. together, they sat for a moment in silence, sipping their tea and just _being_. it was things like this that eric loved so much about them. it made him feel at home, as much as he was terrified to admit.

“yesterday,” eric started, thumb swirling over the warm edge of the ceramic mug. the texture was calming. “when you saw me like that…”

eric fell silent, not knowing how to elaborate. he had never explained himself to anyone before, never told _anyone_ about his headspace, about regressing. vaguely, he knew what it was from all the things he googled in the dead of night, terrified of the answer but needing it desperately. he was a little different from most people, from what he understood, and what he understood wasn’t much. eric wasn’t sure he ever would, but it was a part of him nonetheless, and it wasn’t going away.

“take your time,” sangyeon said, “i’m here.”

the words flooded through eric like a gentle wave, soothing the anxiety he felt piling in his chest at the lack of words he had to explain himself. being seen was so new.

eric laid his empty hand out flat on the table, palm up. it was a simple message they developed over their time together, and sangyeon took it automatically, putting his hand in eric’s and holding it tight. for a moment, eric focused on the feeling, letting his thumb feel the warmth and the weight of sangyeon, and reminding him that it was real.

“sometimes, when i’m reminded of something… upsetting, or i’m really stressed, my mind gets… weird.”

sangyeon gave him space to continue.

“it’s called regressing, i think. i looked it up before. it’s like… i feel… small? it’s really hard to describe. i’m still aware of myself a lot of the time, but it’s harder to control myself, and it’s harder to think and process things. it feels like going numb, but also feeling everything all at once. i don’t know.”

“it’s okay, i’m listening. don’t worry about if it makes sense, i wanna hear it in your words.”

at that, eric smiled, squeezing sangyeon’s hand and finally meeting his eyes. sangyeon was smiling, too.

“when it’s really bad, i go completely blank, and just… dissociate completely. it’s like stepping out of my body and going somewhere else, and nothing feels real. but it doesn’t get that bad very often. usually, it’s just the small thing.”

“how long has this been happening?” sangyeon said it calmly, without judgement, but rather wanting to understand him more, and eric was grateful for his interest, and his patience.

“for a while now. around five years, i think, but i’m not really sure. i wasn’t very aware of it until more recently, because a lot of times, especially when it gets bad, i can’t really remember what happened once i’m back to normal.”

“eric, i want you to know that this doesn’t change anything, okay? i still see you the same way, and i’m not judging you at all. i’m glad you felt like you could tell me. i know it must’ve been hard.”

eric couldn’t say anything, too choked up to form words. sangyeon could see him shaking, and wavering, eyes pooling with tears but none of them spilling just yet.

“can i ask—but only if you feel comfortable talking about it—about why you were…” sangyeon cut himself off, gesturing to his own arm to mime the incident from the night before.

“i didn’t want you to see me like that,” eric said, voice shaking with the effort not to cry, “and the only way i can pull myself out of it is if i… if i hurt myself. the pain makes my head feel clearer, because i can focus on it. but i’ve never done more than—than scratching, or pinching, so please don’t worry too much.” eric wasn’t sure what pushed him to say that, to rush and try and tone down his pain and suffering. he didn’t want to scare sangyeon.

“eric… how can i _not_ worry? seeing you like that… it was so terrifying. i don’t want you to ever have to do that again. i can take care of you, you don’t have to force yourself out of it. i don’t mind.”

eric’s chest swelled painfully at his words, more than he thought imaginable. never did he think he would hear something like that from someone, that they _wanted_ to take care of him.

“i’m not sure how you can take care of me… i’ve never—no one’s ever known before.”

“we’ll figure it out, i’m sure. i want to help, okay? i saw how distressing it is for you, and i don’t want it to be that way anymore. you’re safe with me, and i—i love you.” it was the first time sangyeon had ever said those words to him, and it stunned eric into silence. maybe, a part of him already knew that what they had was love, but didn’t want to examine it more closely. if he acknowledged it, it meant that what he had with sangyeon was important, and special. and on some level he was still terrified that at any moment sangyeon could disappear from his life, and leave his wounded heart behind. eric didn’t want to lose something special to him again.

hearing those words was too much at once, especially with eric already being on the verge of breaking emotionally, and he crumpled as soon as he truly processed them, slumping in his seat and sobbing into his hands. faster than he could think, sangyeon was by his side, kneeling next to him on the floor and gently prying his hands away from his face. sangyeon pulled eric into his arms instead, soothing him like he had the night before.

eric’s head was swimming, and he was slipping fast. he felt too lucky, _so_ lucky, and the hope from before was quenched so violently he felt like shattering into dust, and floating away. all he could think about was sangyeon, sangyeon’s arms around him, and that he was _home_.

“sangie loves me?” eric said, voice coming out strangely small and unlike himself. he didn’t mean to talk that way but he needed to, and it came out that way on its own.

“sangie loves you very, very much.” sangyeon responded naturally, like it was easy for him, and kept holding eric tight as he cried. it felt so, so good to have someone know him.

it was a week before eric remembered to return the words.

“i love you, too,” he said, in the middle of the night when both of them were trying to fall asleep, curled up around each other in bed. the sheets were off, as were their shirts, the heat making it nearly impossible to get comfortable.

sangyeon just pressed his smile into eric’s neck, his satisfied sigh washing over eric like a warm summer breeze, and eric thought it must've filled his chest with how much he felt. he was really home.

it’s been a while since then. another half a year, and somehow, sangyeon is still with him. and somehow, every day, it gets easier. “it” is hard to define, but it’s like a sense of comfort and _home_ that eric’s never known slowly making its way into his life. that is what makes things easier. there are days when it doesn’t feel real, and eric wastes his time waiting for the illusion to break, but for the most part, eric can forget and just exist. and it’s nice.

regressing used to be something eric could only associate with pain. it happened against his will, and made things worse, made things more difficult to bear because everything was so _much_ and he couldn’t control it. but, over time, eric has come to learn that it doesn’t have to be that way. it can be an escape, a comfort, in a positive way, when he has someone to hold him through it. and now, he does.

after eric’s confession, it takes him a while to be more forthcoming. he wants to be, of course, but it isn’t that easy to let spill all of his feelings on something he’s never told another soul before. especially with something so sensitive, so volatile and typically taboo. eric feels like he should’ve known that someone like sangyeon would be unconventional, or at least open to the possibility. he takes it all with enough ease to put eric in tears each time something new comes up, and all sangyeon can do is hold him as he does, and whisper words of assurance to him that he’s not going anywhere.

for once, eric believes it.

**Author's Note:**

> if you write anything negative in the comments (as in, something hateful or critical) i will just delete it so don't even bother.


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